As some of you may know, I am a retired legal secretary/paralegal. It was an interesting ride, sometimes sad and many times funny, some of the things people get themselves into. I went through a very ugly divorce back in 1997 when my ex-husband got involved with….well, let’s just say, a “lady of the night”. I won’t go into all the sordid details, but they were juicy. Sometimes I don’t know how I survived that time in my life, but I came through a better and stronger person and went on to meet my now husband and we’ll be married 10 years in October. Did I tell you he’s taking me to Europe for our anniversary? Yeah…he’s a keeper!
Anyhooo..I worked for a divorce lawyer, had a friend who was a private detective and another friend who was my court reporter during our depositions. She says my ex-husband’s “girlfriend” ranks in her Top 5 as one of the strangest depositions of all time. One of the questions asked of her by my lawyer/boss went down like this:
Q: Ma’am can you tell the court where you went to college?
A: It’s gone out of business.
Q: Okay, I understand that, but can you tell me the name of the college?
A: It’s gone out of business.
Q: Are you telling the court the name of your college is “It’s gone out of business”?
Well, that was just the beginning and shortly thereafter when she was asked if her current husband knew she was involved with a married man, she got up and left the room, whereupon my lawyer/boss called the judge who issued a bench warrant for her arrest. I told you I had an ugly divorce!
Enough about that…I want to share a few funny stories and jokes I’ve seen over the years about lawyers and depositions. The first one is a video you just have to see. It’s very old and grainy, hard to see and you have to really listen but it’s hilarious! It’s called “The Deposition from Hell” and I think you’ll see why. Here’s the link if you’d like to see it.
And here are a few “lawyer stories” that I’ve seen over the years….I hope you get a good laugh out of these!
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *******g me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Have you ever experienced a funny or strange encounter with a lawyer or the court system? Thankfully I can look back at mine and laugh now….but it sure wasn’t funny when it was happening. The lesson I can pass along is time does heal all wounds and as trite as it sounds, you will be stronger on the other end.