July 4, 2013

Disorder In The Court

As some of you may know, I am a retired legal secretary/paralegal.    It was an interesting ride, sometimes sad and many times funny, some of the things people get themselves into.       I went through a very ugly divorce back in 1997 when my ex-husband got involved with….well, let’s just say, a “lady of the night”.    I won’t go into all the sordid details, but they were juicy.    Sometimes I don’t know how I survived that time in my life, but I came through a better and stronger person and went on to meet my now husband and we’ll be married 10 years in October.    Did I tell you he’s taking me to Europe for our anniversary?    Yeah…he’s a keeper!

Anyhooo..I worked for a divorce lawyer, had a friend who was a private detective and another friend who was my court reporter during our depositions.    She says my ex-husband’s “girlfriend” ranks in her Top 5 as one of the strangest depositions of all time.     One of the questions asked of her by my lawyer/boss went down like this:

Q:     Ma’am can you tell the court where you went to college?

A:     It’s gone out of business.

Q:    Okay, I understand that, but can you tell me the name of the college?

A:     It’s gone out of business.

Q:    Are  you telling the court the name of your college is “It’s gone out of business”?

A:    Yes!

Well, that was just the beginning and shortly thereafter when she was asked if her current husband knew she was involved with a married man, she got up and left the room, whereupon my lawyer/boss called the judge who issued a bench warrant for her arrest.    I told you I had an ugly divorce!

Enough about that…I want to share a few funny stories and jokes I’ve seen over the years about lawyers and depositions.     The first one is a video you just have to see.    It’s very old and grainy, hard to see and you have to really listen but it’s hilarious!    It’s called “The Deposition from Hell” and I think you’ll see why.     Here’s the link if you’d like to see it.     

And here are a few “lawyer stories” that I’ve seen over the years….I hope you get a good laugh out of these!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *******g me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

(source)

 

Have you ever experienced a funny or strange encounter with a lawyer or the court system?    Thankfully I can look back at mine and laugh now….but it sure wasn’t funny when it was happening.    The lesson I can pass along  is time does heal all wounds and as trite as it sounds, you will be stronger on the other end.   

8 comments:

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

Oh God, Judy, what a great post! You definitely had me laughing with tears in my eyes. I worked for lawyers, too. For many years until we moved from NY to Ohio. Not many of my stories are funny {since I couldn't stand my job but it was 10 minutes from home and I had just passed the point where I got 3 weeks vacation!}.

Simply LKJ said...

Priceless!

Dixie Delights said...

those are hysterical - thanks for the laugh. And I'm sorry about your ugly divorce but so glad for the happy life you've since made :-)

Christi said...

Those are hilarious! Thanks for the smiles this morning! :-)

Ron said...

Funny ones on this gloomy afternoon. Glad you have found happiness. xo

Linda@Coastal Charm said...

How exciting Judy that you are going to Europe...yes he is a keeper indeed. Hope that you are planning on going to the vintage market in Pike Road in October...I am coming up with some friends and I would love to meet ya after all these years:)

Blessings,
Linda

Lyn Smith said...

I was a court clerk in federal court...one of the funniest cases was a bank robber who wrote her "this is a stick up" note the back of her own account deposit slip that had a Betty Boop design. Investigators didn't have to look far.

Diana @ our vintage home love said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh Judy! Glad you found happiness!

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